To my mom...

Dear Mom,

If I could have only one wish right now, it would be that you could be here to share this with me. I know how badly you wanted this and I'm glad that you knew that I am pregnant before you died. But it is hard to experience all the joy that I should be feeling because I just miss you so much. It's hard to imagine how I'm going to do this without you.

I remember when I had moved to Eugene. The first time you visited me, we went to the Saturday market together. As we looked at all of the handmade hippy crafts, you stopped at some tie dyed baby clothes and asked me when I was going to give you a grandchild. i was only 21. When I told you that Dave and I were getting married, you said "You know, there's nothing more beautiful than a pregnant bride." Well, I have to say I'm glad that I waited. Now is the perfect time. Except for the fact that you won't be here for it and you can't be the first person I call anymore.

When I found out I was pregnant in early November, you were the first person I called because I wanted you to be the first to know. I knew how excited you'd be. On December 3rd, Dave and I went in for my first ultrasound. We saw the little heart beating, as fast as a hummingbird. I cried, I was so relieved and excited. I rushed home to call you. You didn't answer, so I left you a message, because I still wanted you to be the first one that I shared the news with. The next morning, December 4th, I got the call at school that you had passed. it was too hard to believe. I still have trouble believeing it. How could you not be here for this?

But you're not. And it's still going to happen. I won't stop wishing that I could share it with you, but I am trying to honor your memmory by trying to let myself just be happy sometimes. I know that you'd want me to treasure every moment, both now and once the little one is born. Because it does go so fast. And if there's one big thing that I'm learning from all of this, it's that you should never waste a single precious moment, especially with those you love, because it's one that you'll never get back. And you never know what the future will bring, so I'm doing my best to enjoy every right now that I can. But I still wish you could be here...

between life and death

It's funny everything you take for granted in day to day life. Or the silly shit you worry about. Actually, when I say you, I mean I. Life has been crazy for me lately and there have been a lot of major life changes. Where to begin...
In November D and I found out that I am pregnant. Yay! We were so excited, D even shed a few happy tears. He's going to be the best daddy ever. We were cautious, knowing that a lot can go wrong in that first trimester, but decided to call my mom about it anyway. Nobody was more excited than she was. I thought it'd give her something to live for. I wish I'd been right.
On December 3rd, we went to my first ultrasound. We saw the little hummingbird heart beating. It was so small, so fast, and so precious. More happy tears. I immediately went home to call my mom. She was the first one that I wanted to share it with. Unfortunately she didn't answer the phone, but since that was not unusual I left her a message about the little heart beating inside me.
On December 4th, around 9:30 or 10 in the morning, D called me at work. I had been on could 9 that morning thinking about that teeny little heart. He told me he had bad news, and I asked him if he'd gotten laid off. He said "It's way worse." He was right. Then he told me that my mom had passed away. What?!!!! I lost it. How could everything go from so perfect to so devastatingly wrong in just one short phone call? D came and got me from work and I went home to make plans to go to MN. I left the very next day.
I guess it's been kind of a roller coaster ride lately.