To my mom...

Dear Mom,

If I could have only one wish right now, it would be that you could be here to share this with me. I know how badly you wanted this and I'm glad that you knew that I am pregnant before you died. But it is hard to experience all the joy that I should be feeling because I just miss you so much. It's hard to imagine how I'm going to do this without you.

I remember when I had moved to Eugene. The first time you visited me, we went to the Saturday market together. As we looked at all of the handmade hippy crafts, you stopped at some tie dyed baby clothes and asked me when I was going to give you a grandchild. i was only 21. When I told you that Dave and I were getting married, you said "You know, there's nothing more beautiful than a pregnant bride." Well, I have to say I'm glad that I waited. Now is the perfect time. Except for the fact that you won't be here for it and you can't be the first person I call anymore.

When I found out I was pregnant in early November, you were the first person I called because I wanted you to be the first to know. I knew how excited you'd be. On December 3rd, Dave and I went in for my first ultrasound. We saw the little heart beating, as fast as a hummingbird. I cried, I was so relieved and excited. I rushed home to call you. You didn't answer, so I left you a message, because I still wanted you to be the first one that I shared the news with. The next morning, December 4th, I got the call at school that you had passed. it was too hard to believe. I still have trouble believeing it. How could you not be here for this?

But you're not. And it's still going to happen. I won't stop wishing that I could share it with you, but I am trying to honor your memmory by trying to let myself just be happy sometimes. I know that you'd want me to treasure every moment, both now and once the little one is born. Because it does go so fast. And if there's one big thing that I'm learning from all of this, it's that you should never waste a single precious moment, especially with those you love, because it's one that you'll never get back. And you never know what the future will bring, so I'm doing my best to enjoy every right now that I can. But I still wish you could be here...

between life and death

It's funny everything you take for granted in day to day life. Or the silly shit you worry about. Actually, when I say you, I mean I. Life has been crazy for me lately and there have been a lot of major life changes. Where to begin...
In November D and I found out that I am pregnant. Yay! We were so excited, D even shed a few happy tears. He's going to be the best daddy ever. We were cautious, knowing that a lot can go wrong in that first trimester, but decided to call my mom about it anyway. Nobody was more excited than she was. I thought it'd give her something to live for. I wish I'd been right.
On December 3rd, we went to my first ultrasound. We saw the little hummingbird heart beating. It was so small, so fast, and so precious. More happy tears. I immediately went home to call my mom. She was the first one that I wanted to share it with. Unfortunately she didn't answer the phone, but since that was not unusual I left her a message about the little heart beating inside me.
On December 4th, around 9:30 or 10 in the morning, D called me at work. I had been on could 9 that morning thinking about that teeny little heart. He told me he had bad news, and I asked him if he'd gotten laid off. He said "It's way worse." He was right. Then he told me that my mom had passed away. What?!!!! I lost it. How could everything go from so perfect to so devastatingly wrong in just one short phone call? D came and got me from work and I went home to make plans to go to MN. I left the very next day.
I guess it's been kind of a roller coaster ride lately.

Whoa Nelly

So good to reread the post about the perfect weekend. I have to remember how good it feels not to schedule things. Right now I feel as if my whole life is about scheduling. Thpppt.
This weekend our time is mostly spoken for, but perhaps D and I can carve out a little do-nothing time on Sunday. It's not that we don't have fun stuff scheduled- just no room for spontaneity. Tonight we're going to a cheap dinner at Pakwan and then on to the Fillmore to see the Mountain Goats with the Kids. Woo hoo! Tomorrow D and I are throwing a little fundraiser for the Obama campaign. I think I'm going to make mole pie. Which means I'll be cooking for most of the day. I love cooking for people, it's just time consuming. And rereading my post from March reminds me of the glory of the unplanned weekend. So perhaps Sunday....

It's such a perfect weekend (I'm glad I spent it with you)

I love this time of year in San Francisco. D and I just had the most blissful weekend. The weather was amazing, about as good as it gets here. Sunny and warm with a light ocean breeze when you get away from the hills. And what's even better, we spent the weekend without being beholden to a lot of plans, which is unusual for us.

Saturday we began with a trip to the Farmer's Market, where we ran into Howie and Marisa. It isn't a complete Farmer's Market experience unless we run into those two. We ate delicious papusas, which Estrellita's is sweet enough to make vegan for me. And since I only get beans inside, they also make it bigger than normal- I guess they're trying to feed me. Sweet- I love to be fed. Then we headed to Precita Park with the dog. The sun felt so good on my back I nearly fell asleep there. Mr. Ra was so good, he just trotted around a perimeter he made around our blanket or plunked himself down to cuddle with one of us the whole time- well, at least when he wasn't sniffing another dog's bum. D and I snuggled and smiled. Then we got a text from Matt that convince us to head over to Dolores Park.

Although the weather at Dolores Park was not as good as at Precita Park, the people watching makes up for it. SO FUNNY all the time. Matt and Susan had cold beer, chilled white wine, and snacks. Yay! We hung out there for awhile, and then decided that it was such a nice day that maybe we ought to fire up the bbq.

After Dolores Park we rode our bikes home and took a luxurious nap. Yum. I love weekend napping.

Later in the evening Matthew and Eva (hereafter known as the Kids) came over with Bunny. Clarke came over too, and we did indeed fire up the grill for some delicious skewers and grilled potatoes. Tara also stopped by with her new man, who seemed to fit in pretty well. I hope we see more of him.

All in all Saturday was an amazing day full going where the wind took us.

We woke up Sunday to another amazing morning. We had a lovely breakfast and yummy coffee drinks. Then, after much procrastination, we headed off to the flea market, which we've been meaning to do for ages. I bought and awl and a dress. All for under $10. Sweet.

After the market, we rode our little bikes into the Mission to see if we could find D a vest for the wedding. No luck. So we continued on our way and went to Zeitgeist. Man, we haven't been there for awhile. But the weather called for it, so we had to do what the weather said. We were powerless to its influence. When the sunshine calls for a midday margarita, you just have to give in.

When we got home, we snuggled up in the hammock. The fragrant flower petals from the surrounding trees were falling like snow. It was almost surreal how beautiful it was. I could almost hear the soundtrack. It was so romantic we had to head in for a special nap.

Ahhh, the weekend. I never want to schedule anything on the weekend again. And I never want it to end.

And I think I felt a little left out

I offered to go to Salem. I told him that I was going and he couldn't stop me. He said no. I didn't go. His sister's husband went. Why didn't he want me there? That's what a partner is supposed to do, right? Support you. But he doesn't seem to want to let me in that way. Or maybe he's just trying to save me the expense and inconvenience. I know that's what he thinks he's trying to do. But in some way, I also feel left out. Left out of that inner part of his life. The part where he's not strong, the part where he's worried and feels scared. And I can understand why he wouldn't want me to see him feel scared, shaken up by his dad's heart surgery and complications. But I want him to let me be there for him, the way I let him be there for me when he came to my mom's house. I never wanted to let him in there. But I knew that, if we're going to get married, then it's better that he know all the parts of me. Even the ones that are hardest for me. And I want it to go both ways. And I can't really talk to him about this b/c this isn't about me. It's about his dad. I never know how to keep these things to myself without them coming out in some other inappropriate, destructive way though. What to do?

D's been gone since Wednesday. We don't really like spending so much time apart. But I have to say that it's been good for me. I'm enjoying my independence. It's not that I don't miss him. I really do. Especially at night. It's just that i I've been doing things that I don't normally do when he's here. It's not that he holds me back, that's not it at all. It's just that I'd generally rather hang out with him than just about anything else most of the time. But I do enjoy my me time as well. And it's easier to have that while he's somewhere else b/c I avoid the temptation and ease of just snuggling up to him. Snuggling up to him is my favorite past time, which is why I don't get all my independent time when he's around.

Last night I got to have some much needed girl time. Rox and Tara came over for dinner and I made us some yummy vegan stuffed shells. We hung out, had some drinks, and caught up. Then we went dancing at Club 6. Fun, fun, fun. I need my girl time more often. Of course we always promise that we'll do it, but we don't. And we probably won't, but it's always nice when we do.

I think I was freaking out about getting married for a little while. Feeling overwhelmed is more like it. It was good to talk to the girls about it. Everybody freaks out sometimes, I guess and it was good to be reminded of that. But now I'm just excited. I know this is right. D being away has reinforced that for me. I miss him, but I feel safe and comfortable even when he's away. I know that he's not out fucking around. I know that he misses me as much as I miss him. I know that he'll be just as excited to see me as I will be to see him when he gets back. And more importantly I know that I'll be OK while he's gone. I know that I won't fuck around. Which I've never been sure of before. I've always wondered about my ability to be monogamous. But now I look forward to it. It's weird, but it feels good.

"bike- the vehicle used to whisk you away from the blahs and the blah-blah-blahs to the moments of really living."

As far as people go, D is my true love.
As far as dogs go, it's Ra.
As far as bikes go- that decision is just too hard. I'm in love with so many bikes, how could I ever choose just one?!
An Ode to Bikes
to the Pea Picker: My beautiful green Schwinn Stingray. Complete with sparkly banana seat, suspension, and shiny streamers. You are the bike I use to ride around the Mission. Because the Mission is flat, and let's face it Pea Picker, you were built to be a tasty treat for the eyes. You were built to cradle my rear. You came into my life to remind me of my first love on wheels when I was a child. But, dear Pea Picker, you were not built for speed or for hills. But that is O.K. my love because you are foxy enough to be saved for Mission riding only. Besides, I have other bikes to tackle the hills or assuage my need for speed. But don't be jealous I do love you so, Pea Picker. You are beauty incarnate. I wear a smile that comes straight outta my bursting heart whenever I ride you.
to the Marin San Rafael: My commuter bike. I ride you almost everyday. And I ride you everywhere. I treat you roughly and still you come through for me. I've equipped you with a rack to which I can attach my panniers. My panniers, which have saved my back and made you into my beast of burden. Yes, I know they look kind of dorky, but I don't even care (well, not that much anyway). My panniers and my rack have made riding you so easy and convenient (even with a shitload of stuff for the gym and for school) that I have no excuse not to ride. Not that I need an excuse to ride you, my reliable friend. I am so much happier when you take me to work. It is so delightful to start my morning with you, rather than the tense, disconnected, aggro, road-ragey feeling I get when I drive the car. Especially in the city. Biking home with you is even better. I get a chance to decompress and by the time we tackle that last hill together I am ready to walk through the door a decent person, ready to be kind and loving. Unlike when I drive and need about 1/2 an hour of me time before I am suitable for human companionship. I love you, you are the best form of transportation there is. Powered by me.
to the Lemond Etape: I don't even know how to pronounce your name. But you are not for pronouncing, you are for riding, so don't feel badly. You are the one that satisfies my speedy urges. When I'm clipped into you, I become a monster charging up the hills. A black and blue streak of joy. I sometimes dream about what we could do together. We got hit and run by a minivan, but you took it like a champ. And I couldn't wait to hop back on you. I know you're not getting as much love as you used to these days, and I want you to know how much it hurts me to see you there, waiting. But I know that will all change soon. I need you as much as you need me, maybe more.

Bicycles=love. It's true. As the Moldy Peaches song says "All I want to do is ride bikes with you...." D and I love to ride around together. Unfortunately his BMX just got stolen, so we have to find another companion for the Pea Picker. Bicycle thieves are the lowest form of life. Take my wallet, snatch a digit if you have to. Steal my car, take the stereo, smash the window, whatever. Just don't rob me of my heart, I mean my bike.