And I think I felt a little left out

I offered to go to Salem. I told him that I was going and he couldn't stop me. He said no. I didn't go. His sister's husband went. Why didn't he want me there? That's what a partner is supposed to do, right? Support you. But he doesn't seem to want to let me in that way. Or maybe he's just trying to save me the expense and inconvenience. I know that's what he thinks he's trying to do. But in some way, I also feel left out. Left out of that inner part of his life. The part where he's not strong, the part where he's worried and feels scared. And I can understand why he wouldn't want me to see him feel scared, shaken up by his dad's heart surgery and complications. But I want him to let me be there for him, the way I let him be there for me when he came to my mom's house. I never wanted to let him in there. But I knew that, if we're going to get married, then it's better that he know all the parts of me. Even the ones that are hardest for me. And I want it to go both ways. And I can't really talk to him about this b/c this isn't about me. It's about his dad. I never know how to keep these things to myself without them coming out in some other inappropriate, destructive way though. What to do?

D's been gone since Wednesday. We don't really like spending so much time apart. But I have to say that it's been good for me. I'm enjoying my independence. It's not that I don't miss him. I really do. Especially at night. It's just that i I've been doing things that I don't normally do when he's here. It's not that he holds me back, that's not it at all. It's just that I'd generally rather hang out with him than just about anything else most of the time. But I do enjoy my me time as well. And it's easier to have that while he's somewhere else b/c I avoid the temptation and ease of just snuggling up to him. Snuggling up to him is my favorite past time, which is why I don't get all my independent time when he's around.

Last night I got to have some much needed girl time. Rox and Tara came over for dinner and I made us some yummy vegan stuffed shells. We hung out, had some drinks, and caught up. Then we went dancing at Club 6. Fun, fun, fun. I need my girl time more often. Of course we always promise that we'll do it, but we don't. And we probably won't, but it's always nice when we do.

I think I was freaking out about getting married for a little while. Feeling overwhelmed is more like it. It was good to talk to the girls about it. Everybody freaks out sometimes, I guess and it was good to be reminded of that. But now I'm just excited. I know this is right. D being away has reinforced that for me. I miss him, but I feel safe and comfortable even when he's away. I know that he's not out fucking around. I know that he misses me as much as I miss him. I know that he'll be just as excited to see me as I will be to see him when he gets back. And more importantly I know that I'll be OK while he's gone. I know that I won't fuck around. Which I've never been sure of before. I've always wondered about my ability to be monogamous. But now I look forward to it. It's weird, but it feels good.

"bike- the vehicle used to whisk you away from the blahs and the blah-blah-blahs to the moments of really living."

As far as people go, D is my true love.
As far as dogs go, it's Ra.
As far as bikes go- that decision is just too hard. I'm in love with so many bikes, how could I ever choose just one?!
An Ode to Bikes
to the Pea Picker: My beautiful green Schwinn Stingray. Complete with sparkly banana seat, suspension, and shiny streamers. You are the bike I use to ride around the Mission. Because the Mission is flat, and let's face it Pea Picker, you were built to be a tasty treat for the eyes. You were built to cradle my rear. You came into my life to remind me of my first love on wheels when I was a child. But, dear Pea Picker, you were not built for speed or for hills. But that is O.K. my love because you are foxy enough to be saved for Mission riding only. Besides, I have other bikes to tackle the hills or assuage my need for speed. But don't be jealous I do love you so, Pea Picker. You are beauty incarnate. I wear a smile that comes straight outta my bursting heart whenever I ride you.
to the Marin San Rafael: My commuter bike. I ride you almost everyday. And I ride you everywhere. I treat you roughly and still you come through for me. I've equipped you with a rack to which I can attach my panniers. My panniers, which have saved my back and made you into my beast of burden. Yes, I know they look kind of dorky, but I don't even care (well, not that much anyway). My panniers and my rack have made riding you so easy and convenient (even with a shitload of stuff for the gym and for school) that I have no excuse not to ride. Not that I need an excuse to ride you, my reliable friend. I am so much happier when you take me to work. It is so delightful to start my morning with you, rather than the tense, disconnected, aggro, road-ragey feeling I get when I drive the car. Especially in the city. Biking home with you is even better. I get a chance to decompress and by the time we tackle that last hill together I am ready to walk through the door a decent person, ready to be kind and loving. Unlike when I drive and need about 1/2 an hour of me time before I am suitable for human companionship. I love you, you are the best form of transportation there is. Powered by me.
to the Lemond Etape: I don't even know how to pronounce your name. But you are not for pronouncing, you are for riding, so don't feel badly. You are the one that satisfies my speedy urges. When I'm clipped into you, I become a monster charging up the hills. A black and blue streak of joy. I sometimes dream about what we could do together. We got hit and run by a minivan, but you took it like a champ. And I couldn't wait to hop back on you. I know you're not getting as much love as you used to these days, and I want you to know how much it hurts me to see you there, waiting. But I know that will all change soon. I need you as much as you need me, maybe more.

Bicycles=love. It's true. As the Moldy Peaches song says "All I want to do is ride bikes with you...." D and I love to ride around together. Unfortunately his BMX just got stolen, so we have to find another companion for the Pea Picker. Bicycle thieves are the lowest form of life. Take my wallet, snatch a digit if you have to. Steal my car, take the stereo, smash the window, whatever. Just don't rob me of my heart, I mean my bike.

This blog is for me. If you're reading it, that's your business. It's just easier for me to type than to write in a journal. Does that make me lazy? Who cares. Usually I'm kind of a spaz, so I can be lazy about writing if I feel like it.

I am really just trying to waste time. I'm supposed to be working, but I am SO unmotivated. I just can't seem to do what I need to do.

Life is full of ups and downs these days.

Ups:

• D and I are getting married in 142 days (according to our website- I am NOT psycho enough to keep track of that stuff myself).
• My sweet dog- the best friend a girl could have
  
• I got a new job! 6th grade humanities- here I come
• I am relatively healthy
• I live in San Francisco- enough said
• I have a roof over my head, enough to eat, and one killer pair of jeans
• I have wonderful friends and a kick-ass sister
• I have more beautiful bikes than a girl could hope for
  

Downs:

• I can't kick this flu/cold thing, which is weird b/c I'm never sick for more than 24 hours.
• D is in Salem; his dad just had bypass surgery and is not doing well
• I can't seem to write progress reports. I'm distracted. By the above downs, but also by a million other things. I think that I work well with ADD/ADHD kids b/c I'm the same way. We understand each other.
  

So if that's all I have to complain about, not so bad, eh? Hopefully D's dad will pull through and that will be added to the list of ups. I could go on and on about my mom, but don't really feel like it these days. I guess that's an up too. I'm beginning to realize that I only have so much power/control to help others, especially if they won't help themselves. Realizations come and go though. I won't be able to hold onto that one forever. Maybe not even for long. But for now, I'm glad to feel that way. For now I am going to let myself experience acceptance.

Shit, I should go to yoga. Jonathan always helps me experience acceptance. Can I motivate? That is the question of the day. We shall see...