To my mom...

Dear Mom,

If I could have only one wish right now, it would be that you could be here to share this with me. I know how badly you wanted this and I'm glad that you knew that I am pregnant before you died. But it is hard to experience all the joy that I should be feeling because I just miss you so much. It's hard to imagine how I'm going to do this without you.

I remember when I had moved to Eugene. The first time you visited me, we went to the Saturday market together. As we looked at all of the handmade hippy crafts, you stopped at some tie dyed baby clothes and asked me when I was going to give you a grandchild. i was only 21. When I told you that Dave and I were getting married, you said "You know, there's nothing more beautiful than a pregnant bride." Well, I have to say I'm glad that I waited. Now is the perfect time. Except for the fact that you won't be here for it and you can't be the first person I call anymore.

When I found out I was pregnant in early November, you were the first person I called because I wanted you to be the first to know. I knew how excited you'd be. On December 3rd, Dave and I went in for my first ultrasound. We saw the little heart beating, as fast as a hummingbird. I cried, I was so relieved and excited. I rushed home to call you. You didn't answer, so I left you a message, because I still wanted you to be the first one that I shared the news with. The next morning, December 4th, I got the call at school that you had passed. it was too hard to believe. I still have trouble believeing it. How could you not be here for this?

But you're not. And it's still going to happen. I won't stop wishing that I could share it with you, but I am trying to honor your memmory by trying to let myself just be happy sometimes. I know that you'd want me to treasure every moment, both now and once the little one is born. Because it does go so fast. And if there's one big thing that I'm learning from all of this, it's that you should never waste a single precious moment, especially with those you love, because it's one that you'll never get back. And you never know what the future will bring, so I'm doing my best to enjoy every right now that I can. But I still wish you could be here...